Eating has always been my reward.  When I do something well or want to celebrate something I think “let’s go to dinner” or “I deserve a cupcake”.  Food has always been about more than just sustenance to me.  I eat when I’m sad and I eat when I’m angry and I eat when I’m happy and want to celebrate.  There were times in my life when food was the only support I was getting.  Maybe the people in my life weren’t there for  me, but that chocolate cupcake could give me a lift and make a moment special.

I’ve been able to retrain my thoughts about food in a lot of ways, but I’m finding the tie between food and emotion hardest to break.  If we’ve had a hard week at the office, I’ll bring bagels.  If something cool happens I think we should order pizza.  Food has always been a reliable high for me and, other than making me fat because I ate way too much of the wrong sorts of things, it has never let me down.  A chocolate cupcake or a slice of pizza or a bag of chips with dip has always been reliably fulfilling, even when nothing else was.   I suppose, when I think about it, that’s where the problem lies.

My life experience has taught me, rightly or wrongly, that it’s best not to rely to heavily on other people for support.  I realize part of the reason I think that way is that, for many years, I was looking in the wrong places and to the wrong people for the support and affirmation I needed.   As I started to like myself better, I started to make better choice about the people I let into my life, and the need for food as a support should have become less.  I guess it’s hard to give up old habits though, because I still seem to turn to food first.  I’m not sure whether it’s fear or stubbornness or habit, but I’ll have a cupcake before I’ll call a friend.  That certainly isn’t helping me reach my weight loss goals.

One of the things I know about myself is that I often try to complicate things that should be quite simple, and I think this may be one of those times.  Maybe breaking the cycle of emotional eating is as simple as thinking before I eat.  If I take an extra minute to think about why I’m having that ice cream, or suggesting a dinner, maybe I’ll realize that something else would work equally well.  After all, part of losing weight is being aware of what we put into our mouths.  Maybe I need to be aware of why I’m eating as well.

I would probably rather tell someone intimate details of my sex life rather than discuss how much I weigh.  I’ll talk about almost anything before I’ll talk about my weight.  I never, ever, reveal the exact number.  That’s partly because I’m ashamed of the number and partly because I think other people will think less of me if they know.  I know that’s probably a bit over dramatic, but for a long time my self worth and self image were tied very tightly to my weight. Thin, and a low number,  made me desirable and a good person.  Fat, and a high number, made me just the opposite.

I am working very hard to shake a lot of the habits and attitudes that it has taken me 40 years to build.  I’ve been successful, at least in part, with most of them.  I like myself better than I ever have.  My body image is more positive than it’s ever been.  I feel more confident in myself, and I’m more confident of my worth as a person.  I’m learning that my body is capable of doing things, bending, stretching, exercising, that I would have bet it could never do.  I’ve made positive strides in a lot of areas.  Except when it comes to that number.

Intellectually I know that it’s just a number.  What I weigh has nothing to do with what kind of person I am.  What I weigh doesn’t effect how I perform my job or write this blog or go through my daily activities.  A number on the scale doesn’t make me any less lovable or any less intelligent.  I know this in my brain.  I just can’t feel it in my gut.

I do want to try to get over this issue.  My weight is only one small part of me as a person, and a number on a scale shouldn’t hold this much power over me.  So I think it’s time to be brave, as much as it scares me to do it.

I’m going to start posting my weight here.  For right now, I’ll post it once a week at the bottom of a post.   After a while, as I get more comfortable, I’ll probably post a running graph on the sidebar.  As much as this frightens me, I think the only way to stop giving this number as much power as it seems to have is to put the number out there and let the chips fall where they may. So here goes:

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

I like to think I’m a dancer.  I’m not, in fact I’m not endowed with much in the way of gracefulness.  For that reason I’m not really attracted to exercise DVD’s that want me to get down and get funky.  I have trouble following the moves and I usually end up frustrated and not inclined to use that particular DVD.  I’m just not destined to boogie oogie oogie the weight off.

The series of videos from The Studio with Ellen Barrett is different.  It is centered partially around dance discipline, but the discipline is ballet, not club dancing.  The movements are graceful and elegant. Fat Burning Fusion
is a good workout, but a graceful one.  You’re still sweating and sore at the end of the workout, but you’re also relaxed and stretched.

I’ve been a fan of Ellen Barret since I tried the Crunch - Burn & Firm Pilates DVD. She has a great style. Ellen explains things clearly and concisely and has a nice, relaxing way of leading. She pushes, but not too hard, and she’s very good about explaining how you should do the exercise. She is a stickler for form, but she demonstrates what the form should be very capably. Her instructions are easy to follow.

This isn’t the DVD for people who want to push themselves until they drop.  It’s a quiet, contemplative exercise program.  If you’re looking for a Tae Bo, Boot Camp sort of thing, this isn’t the DVD for you.  There is a lot of stretching and twisting and bending, so people with back problems might want to use a little caution.

If you’re looking to build muscle without building bulk and to get a great work out that also energizes and soothes you, this DVD is for you.  I do it at least once a week if not more, and I highly recommend it.

One of the great paradoxes that I’ve discovered since I’ve started exercising on a regular basis is this:  my stamina varies widely from day to day.  At first I thought it had to do with how motivated I was about exercising on any given day, and to some extent it does.  If I don’t really feel like exercising I have to push myself harder to go the distance.  I can, however, power through that feeling and I usually end up feeling much more positive and upbeat when I’m finished exercising.  Somehow it doesn’t seem to be about motivation.

Of course being hungry and/or tired can also effect how much and how hard I exercise.  I tend to exercise after I get home from work and before dinner, mostly because I’m just too lazy and like my sleep too much to get up in the morning and exercise.  Some days, if I time my meals and snacks properly, I’m full of energy when I get home and I breeze through my workout.  Other days, it’s exactly the opposite.  I arrive home tired and shaky and I don’t make it nearly as far through whatever my planned workout is for the day.

It’s funny, because I always assumed that getting fitter would be a steady series of plateaus.  Each day I’d be able to go a little further than the day before and in this way I’d make incremental progress toward my goals.  In real life, or at least in my life, that’s not how it has happened.  My progress comes in fits and starts.  One day I get through a tape with ease and feel that I really accomplished something.  The next day I make it about halfway and quit.

I’m not sure if it’s about motivation, if it’s about blood sugar or getting hit harder by my meds, or if there’s some X factor that I just haven’t figured out yet, but I’d like to come up with some sort of answer.  Is this type of back and forth progress normal?  Are there things I can do to avoid it? Should I just be glad I’m getting thinner and fitter and not worry if my progress isn’t always a straight line forward.  I’d love some input on this.

Right now I’m just happy that a dedicated exercisephobe like me is even working up a sweat on a regular basis.  That’s an accomplishment and I don’t discount it.  Regardless, I’d still like to make steady progress forward.  I am doing this for my health, but I’m also doing it for a sense of accomplishment.  Being able to go a bit further today than I could yesterday gives me that sense of accomplishment.  I’d just like to be able to do it on a consistent basis.

You may (all three of you who read this) have noticed that this blog has been silent for a while.  Losing weight and changing patterns that have been set for years is never an easy thing.  Add to that the fact that I’ve always felt that instant gratification takes too long,  and it shouldn’t be any wonder that I backslid a little.  These things do happen.  I’ve put a few pounds back on, and it also took a while to get comfortable with exercise again after my little episode on Easter Sunday.

Working to lose weight is an interesting thing.  I think we all hope that it will eventually become something we can do on autopilot but, for me at least, that doesn’t seem to be the case.  I need to keep my goals in front of my eyes at all times, and I need to figure out a way to do that without becoming obsessed.  I know myself, and I know how easily my emotions and worth as a person can hang on whether the scale went up or down.  I want to be healthy, both mentally and physcially, and it may take some trial and error before I figure out how to make that happen.  We’re all works in progress.  I just need to figure out how to progress in the right direction.

One thing I’m trying is a new website that I’ve found.  It’s called My Fitness Pal and it helps you track your food intake and exercise.  Almost all weight loss experts recommend tracking your food intake if you want to lose weight, but it’s something I’ve always resisted.  It just seemed too difficult.  Luckily, this web site makes the whole thing easy and stress free.  It also hasn’t led, at least so far, into an obsession.  I’m more aware of what I eat, but in a healthy way.

I’ve been trying to lose weight, with varying degrees of success, for over 25 years now.  While I know my body image and self image are better than they’ve ever been, my weight loss skills are still a bit underdeveloped.  I need to develop a new skill set and to do that I need some advice.   Those of you who have lost weight or are working to lose weight, what has helped you the most?  For those of you who’ve never had a weight problem, what is your number one tip for keeping the weight off.  I’ll take all the help I can get, so please leave any advice you may have in the comments.

I got 9 months.  I guess that’s pretty good.  Sadly, though, my streak of steady sinus rhythms and normal heart rates was broken on Easter.  I spent my Easter Sunday not with the Easter Bunny or having Easter dinner, but in the Emergency Room.  My heart rate went wacky.  It wasn’t full blown Afib, it was Atrial Flutter, but that was discouraging enough.  Once again, my heart was on the fritz.  I was bummed.

Luckily, they didn’t keep me.  They cardioverted me and my heart rate snapped back to perfectly normal.  The working theory is that my magnesium and potassium levels were low.  Apparently this can sometimes cause atrial flutter.  I’m on a pretty strong diuertic and I tend to sweat a lot when I exercise, so it’s certainly not outside the realm of possibility that I could be losing quite a lot of minerals.  We upped my dosage of magnesium and potassium, and the doctor recommended that I get a sports drink for when I exercise.  That, of course, is a new problem.

Exercise is one of the things that depleted my levels.  Unfortunately for me, I’m not one of those women who gets “dewy” when I work out.  I sweat like a horse.  It isn’t uncommon for me to soak the neck of my t-shirt with sweat.  Of course some of that is probably attributable to the diuretic, but still, I lose a lot of fluid and a lot of minerals.  Since I know that, I’m now a little concerned about exercising hard.

If I think about it logically, I know that I’ve increased my dosages of the minerals in question and that should help.  I also know that the benefits of exercise far outweigh the risks to my heart.  Even if I do go in to atrial flutter or Afib itself, it’s not life threatening, it’s just uncomfortable and a nuisance.   Still, I’m a bit nervous.   I know it’s not logical, but the concern is still there.

Tonight I put in a DVD and exercised for the first time since Sunday.  It wasn’t one of my toughest full cardio tapes, but I worked up a sweat.  I took my meds almost directly afterward and I loaded up on the magnesium and potassium.  So far, I feel o.k.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that things stay that way.

In the past few weeks I’ve lamented a bit about the state of my wardrobe.  Clothes are getting too big for me.  I’m trying to figure out what to do about keeping my body suitably clothed while it continues to change shape.   People who know me would tell you that my wardrobe has needed a makeover for a while now.  They’d also tell you I’m not a clothes conscious person.  If it doesn’t have holes or visible stains and it matches reasonably well, I”ll wear it.  A clotheshorse I am not.

The same lack of appearance consciousness extends to this blog.  I’m all about the words.  What they look like doesn’t much matter to me.  Still, the urge to make things over has been stirring in the last few weeks, and that urge has extended to this blog.  I’ve changed themes here a couple of times already, but had never found one that really worked for me.  One theme was too bland.  Another was far too green.  Nothing seemed to fit quite right.

In addition to not being a clotheshorse, I am also emphatically not a coder.  As Steve from Vanseodesign would confirm, I know just enough HTML to be a menace to any unsuspecting code I try to alter.   Steve is the one who rescues me when I mess something up and the one who keeps my blogs in working order.  I doubt these blogs would exist without him.

Despite my acknowledged lack of coding skills, I do know enough to upload and change a blog theme, so I decided to give it a try.  This new theme was created by a designer who has an array of themes available for download at Scribble Scratch.  I chose the new theme for a couple of reasons.  One, I liked the colors.  Two, I liked the image of the woman in the teal skirt.  While I don’t think I’ll ever be wearing belly baring shirts, surgery scars would prohibit that, I can envision the day when I might show up in a cute top and a short little skirt.  Somehow the image just seemed appropriate.

So, the blog got a makeover and it was easier and went more smoothly than I had thought.

Here’s hoping my clothing upgrade goes as well.

I have to confess, my weight loss has slowed down a little.  I slacked off on exercising a bit.  I’m still trying to stay motivated and I know that my body is changing and getting healthier, but it’s become a little easier to find excuses for skipping a day of exercise or for eating something I know I really shouldn’t eat.  It is definitely possible to blame some of this issue on Winter.  It’s also possible to blame some of it on my personality.  I have a tendency to get in my own way when I’m about to accomplish something I really want and, after years of wanting to be thin and never getting there, I’m finally approaching that goal.  I have a ways to go, but I seem to have found a way to make my diet and exercise plan work for me.  I’d like to keep that going.

I suppose everyone hits this point at some time in their journey toward fitness.  The initial excitement of losing weight is over.  Exercise is now routine.  You’re tired of thinking about every bit of food that goes into your mouth and occasionally you’d rather just say screw it and have a pizza.  Your clothes are getting looser, but that just means you have to buy new clothes.  The newness has worn off and now it’s just your life.

What I’m wondering is what kept the rest of you going if and when you got to this point.  I know, at some point, I’ll start feeling like I’m really thin and that will give me a second wind that will help me get to my goal.  Right now I’m kind of in between and the pounds are a little harder to take off.  I guess what worries me most is that I’ll get discouraged and give up and before you know it I’ll be back where I was.  I don’t want that.

If any of you have any tips or advice to give me, now would be a great time.   I could really use them.

Also, as promised, I am giving away a cookbook today.  Last Monday I offered a Cooking Light Cookbook as a giveaway on this blog.  To enter, you had to leave a comment on this post.   Four people commented and I dropped their names into a hat and picked at random.

Congratulations, Betty Blue, you’re the winner of the cookbook.  Just drop me a line at kristines.25 at charter dot net and let me know where to send it.

As I mentioned yesterday, today is the day I am going to start a new series. In this series I’ll be reviewing things that I’ve tried that may be helpful to other people. It might be a book, or a DVD, or a web site I’ve found useful. It might be a recipe. The goal of these reviews is to help other people who might be looking for the sorts of things that I’m already using. I figure if I share my knowledge, others might share theirs as well and then we’ll all be better off. Losing weight is a tough thing to do, it is helpful to learn from those who have already walked the path you’re following.

Today I’m going to review Leslie Sansone: Walk at Home - 5 Mile Fat Burning Walk. I’m a big fan of Leslie Sansone’s videos, in fact the first exercise video I ever did was one of hers. I like her videos because they’re simple, they don’t feature a lot of flashy moves or dancy steps, and the shorter ones are great for people who are just starting to exercise. The aren’t so intimidating that you think you’ll never be able to finish the workout. When you’re just starting out, that’s a very comforting thing.

The first thing I want to tell you is that the Five Mile Fat Burning Walk is a bit more challenging. Each mile ends with a “boost” which is two minutes of jogging. One of the nice things about this video is that Leslie exercises with a group and divides the group into those who do the boost and those who stay at the low impact pace. So you always have the choice to take things a little more slowly if that’s what you wish.

Another thing that I really liked about this video was the fact that it is divided into mile segments. You have the option of stopping at the end of each mile if you want or you can play the DVD in on continuous 5 mile segment. I was glad I had the option to play each mile individually, because I ended up stopping after three miles. I’m going to have to work up to doing the whole five mile segment in one go.

The choreography for this video is very basic, walking, knee lifts, kicks and side steps. There is some arm work and a few variations on the leg work, but it’s all very simple and straightforward. If you can walk you can do this video. The pace is fairly fast and speeds up as each mile goes along, and each mile features the two minute jogging boost at the end. Even when walking the past is not a slow one. This is a good work out.

If there was anything I didn’t like about this video, it was some of Leslie’s mannerisms. When she exercises with others she calls people “doll” and is a little too cute for my taste. I guess she and the other exercisers are trying to create a “girlfriends” exercising together sort of atmosphere, but I founding it a little cloying. Still, it was a minor annoyance, and certainly didn’t get in the way of a good workout. Overall I would recommend this video to anyone who’s looking for a challenging yet simple workout.

Because I bought a house last year, I got a pretty nice refund on my taxes.  I decided to use some of that money to buy a few new exercise DVDs.  I’ve been working out to the ones I currently have for quite a while, and I figured it was time to move up to something more challenging.  So I bought seven new DVDs that are a mixture of aerobics and toning.  I’m pretty excited about my new stash.

Since I have these new DVDs, I figured it would be a perfect time to add DVD reviews to this blog.  That way you guys can get the benefits of hearing from someone who has actually tried the DVD before you go out and make a purchase yourself.  I’ll also confess that this gives me a ready made subject for this blog, which is a good thing.  I’ve been trying to get back to a more regular posting schedule here, and having some topics on tap will be helpful.

One of the first recommendations I want to make is for the site from which I bought the videos, Collage Video.  This is a terrific site with great prices and a wide array of videos.  What I really like about the site is that they review each video and give you a realistic description of the video.  I’ve bought videos from this site on a few occasions and I have yet to disagree with their assessment of the videos I’ve bought.   It’s nice to get a little more info on the videos thatn you can get from simply reading the back of the case.

In addition to the new videos I recently got from Collage Video, I’ll also be reviewing some that I’ve purchased previously and have used for a while.  I figure the more information I can put out there, the more everyone will benefit.  I’m also hoping I might inspire some other people to recommend some DVDs that they’ve found useful.  I’ve discovered that one of the challenges of exercise is keeping it challenging.  Sometimes it’s nice to do a DVD you’ve already mastered, but doing something that pushes you a bit is generally more beneficial.

The first DVD review Leslie Sansone: Walk at Home - 5 Mile Fat Burning Walk will go up tomorrow.

Also, I wanted to remind everyone that the Cooking Light Cookbook Giveaway is still going on and continues through Sunday. There’s still time to get entered for the cookbook.