You may (all three of you who read this) have noticed that this blog has been silent for a while.  Losing weight and changing patterns that have been set for years is never an easy thing.  Add to that the fact that I’ve always felt that instant gratification takes too long,  and it shouldn’t be any wonder that I backslid a little.  These things do happen.  I’ve put a few pounds back on, and it also took a while to get comfortable with exercise again after my little episode on Easter Sunday.

Working to lose weight is an interesting thing.  I think we all hope that it will eventually become something we can do on autopilot but, for me at least, that doesn’t seem to be the case.  I need to keep my goals in front of my eyes at all times, and I need to figure out a way to do that without becoming obsessed.  I know myself, and I know how easily my emotions and worth as a person can hang on whether the scale went up or down.  I want to be healthy, both mentally and physcially, and it may take some trial and error before I figure out how to make that happen.  We’re all works in progress.  I just need to figure out how to progress in the right direction.

One thing I’m trying is a new website that I’ve found.  It’s called My Fitness Pal and it helps you track your food intake and exercise.  Almost all weight loss experts recommend tracking your food intake if you want to lose weight, but it’s something I’ve always resisted.  It just seemed too difficult.  Luckily, this web site makes the whole thing easy and stress free.  It also hasn’t led, at least so far, into an obsession.  I’m more aware of what I eat, but in a healthy way.

I’ve been trying to lose weight, with varying degrees of success, for over 25 years now.  While I know my body image and self image are better than they’ve ever been, my weight loss skills are still a bit underdeveloped.  I need to develop a new skill set and to do that I need some advice.   Those of you who have lost weight or are working to lose weight, what has helped you the most?  For those of you who’ve never had a weight problem, what is your number one tip for keeping the weight off.  I’ll take all the help I can get, so please leave any advice you may have in the comments.

So I got a call today from my doctor’s office.  She wants to see me to discuss my high blood sugar.  Last Friday I had blood drawn and some test run.   On the form she gave me for the lab work, I saw she had written pre-diabetes.  I dismissed it.  After all, hadn’t I taken enough hits in the area of health lately.  I couldn’t seriously be up for one more, could I. 

It appears that I could.

 My guess is that it is still pre-diabetes, as she didn’t say come in today and we need to do something right away.  Still, regardless of what form it takes, it is still another potential health issue, and I’m really quite full up on those at the moment, thanks.  Part of me feels like a boxer who has hit the canvas and, even though I’m down, is still getting punched.  At some point this has to stop, doesn’t it?

I think what makes me maddest right now is the fact that I have no one to blame but myself for most of this.  Yes, genetics plays a part, and I didn’t really win the genetics lottery.  My body has always seemed to be cobbled out of spare parts, none of which wanted to work with each other or the world at large all that well.  Still, the large part of the blame for my present situation rests with me.  I knew I should eat in a more healthful way and I didn’t.  I knew I should exercise more and I didn’t.  I  knew I should lose weight and I didn’t.  I either thought I was invincible or assumed a catestrophic breakdown was inevitable.  I’m not really sure which explanation fits better.

In any case, as lovely as it would be to send my chickens somewhere else to roost, the hard fact is that I created this mess, and I’m going to have to change myself in order to change the situation.  The good news is that making changes has a good chance of making things much better.  The bad news is that making changes is going to involve doing some things I don’t really like doing. 

I guess, what it comes down to in the end is the fact that I dodged a bullet with this one, and that another incident could be a lot worse.  I’ve been granted a chance to make things better and it is up to me to take that chance.  I may not think it fair and I may feel a bit like Job at the moment, but that doesn’t really matter. 

I made this mess and there isn’t anyone but me who can clean it up.

So, it’s been almost two months since I last posted here.  A lot has happened.  I spent last week in the hospital with an irregular heartbeat.  Apparently I’d been walking around like that for a while.  I knew I’d been feeling bad, but not why, and I’m one of those people who don’t want to be thought of as a hypochondriac, so I toughed it out. As it turned out, that was a mistake.  Luckily, I was able to live and learn.

So, as I eventually found out, I have atrial fibrillation.  Basically what that means is that my heart has a sort of epilepsy at times.  A normal heart gets instructions on how to beat from something called the sinus node.  Electrical impulses from the node tell the heart to pump blood.  My heart was getting impulses from all over the place and, as a result, didn’t know how to beat properly.  So, instead of pumping blood, the upper chambers of my heart just trembled.  Let’s just say, that’s not a good thing.

The good news is that the condition has been fixed and my heart is beating normally.  They have put me on drugs, I am adjusting my diet and will be stepping up my exercise program.  All these things should help.  The less good news is that this condition cannot be totally fixed.  My heart was defective from birth.  Two surgeries have corrected problems, but haven’t made things better.  My atrial fibrillation is now, for better or worse, a condition I have to manage.

What this means for this blog is that I will have a bit more to discuss.  I’ll still talk about weight loss and weight issues, since that is a primary part of getting healthier.  I will also, however, talk about what it feels like to have this condition, what scares me, and what I plan to do to live as long and healthy a life as possible.  I have to say, I’ve been looking around for information and forums and such, and a lot of what I’ve seen is less than positive.  I believe in being positive, not in a deny the bad sort of way, but in a way that allows me to see the best I can in every situation.  That’s what I’m going to try to do here.

If you’re coming here to read about or discuss weight loss, welcome.  If you’ve found this blog because you have heart issues, welcome as well.  Hopefully we can get some good discussions going.

I was going through my closet this weekend and I came upon my stash.  These are the clothes I’m keeping until I’m thin enough to wear them.  They sit in a tidy pile on the top shelf of my closet.  Some of them have been there long enough to have dust on them.  I haven’t gotten thin enough to wear them yet.

Like a lot of overweight people, I’ve told myself for years that I was going to get thin “soon”.  Maybe it was next year, or next month, or certainly within the next six months, but I was going to get thin enough to wear those pants, or feel good in that dress, or be comfortable in that blouse.  Given that being thin was sure to happen soon, I kept all those clothes.  It would be a waste, I figured, to throw them out, since I would be able to wear them any day now.

For a lot of people who are fat, living is something that will happen sometime in the future.  You don’t buy pretty clothes now, because they won’t look right.  You put off taking a class or going to a party or trying that new sport because you don’t want everyone to see you as you are now, you want everyone to see you as you know you will be soon.   Life becomes a long exercise in waiting for a “when” that never quite arrives.

The hard truth is that whatever weight you are now is how it is, and the only thing that will change that is eating sensibly and getting more active.  Putting off doing something that scares you, or clinging to clothes that are too small, are simply ways to obscure that fact that you’re hoping that somehow, magically, you’ll get to where you want to be without having to do anything to get there.

We only get so much life.  In the end, I doubt there are many people who spend their last moments focused on their physical appearance.  They regret the trips they didn’t take, the people they didn’t meet, the challenges they failed to face.  If, right now, you’re spending your time saying you’ll do things when you’re thin, but you’re not doing anything to get that way, you’re not living you’re existing.  I’m also guessing your existence isn’t a lot of fun.

If I have one goal, even beyond the goal of getting thin, it is to stop letting how I look, or how I think I look, get in the way of living my life.  Maybe I’ll be the only fat one in the class or at the party, but at least I’ll be there living my life.  I’m guessing that will be a lot more fun than waiting for the perfect day when I’m the perfect size and can wear the perfect clothes. 

Oh, by the way, those clothes folded so neatly on the top shelf of my closet?  They’re going to Goodwill.  The way I figure it, life’s too short to waste time waiting, whether you’re a too small pair of pants, or a fat person who wants to be thin. 

It’s time to let go and live.

I considered the question of what this blog should be called for quite a while.   A lot of names were considered.  Personally, I loved “Live Free or Diet” but someone had already taken that domain.   I also liked “Such a Pretty Face” because I’ve heard that so many times, generally as part of the phrase “You have such a pretty face, you’d look fabulous if you just lost a little weight.”  Apparently other people had heard similar comments because that domain name was gone as well.  Finally, after I’d considered some additional names, the idea of calling this blog “When I’m Thin” popped into my head.  I knew there could be no other choice for a title.

I know it really isn’t so, but it seems I’ve been saying some version of “when I’m thin” for most of my life.  I’ll pursue singing, which I love to do, when I’m thin and feel more comfortable getting up in front of an audience.  I’ll start dressing up more when I’m thin and can feel good about wearing sexier clothes.  I’ll go out and work harder to meet that special man when I’m thin and feel better about my self.  The list of things I would do when I was thin was endless.  The problem was that I never got thin. 

The phrase “when I’m thin” works a lot like fat does.  It insulates you against all the things you’re too scared to do.  When I’m thin is always in the future, so you never have to worry about doing the things that frighten you today.   In a sense the fat becomes protection, since you’re waiting until you’re thin to have a life.

I finally realized I’d been saying “when I’m thin” for far too long.  If I really want to be thin, I have to work at it.  If I don’t want to be thin, I need to figure out why I think fat represents security.  Either way, I need to stop postponing my life, because I’m not getting any younger, and none of us have the luxury of reliving days that have already passed.   

This blog will chronicle the story of my journey.  You’ll get to see every step I take and watch as “when I’m thin” becomes ”now that I’m thin”.   Some of what I write here will be about weight loss and fitness.  Some of the posts will be about why I was fat and why I have fears about being thin.  I’ll probably occasionally gripe and cry about how much I hate all of this.  Hopefully I’ll occasionally be funny as well.  

To be honest, I’m not sure how this will end up.  I just know this is a journey I need to take, and I hope you’ll think it is worth coming along for the ride.