I got 9 months.  I guess that’s pretty good.  Sadly, though, my streak of steady sinus rhythms and normal heart rates was broken on Easter.  I spent my Easter Sunday not with the Easter Bunny or having Easter dinner, but in the Emergency Room.  My heart rate went wacky.  It wasn’t full blown Afib, it was Atrial Flutter, but that was discouraging enough.  Once again, my heart was on the fritz.  I was bummed.

Luckily, they didn’t keep me.  They cardioverted me and my heart rate snapped back to perfectly normal.  The working theory is that my magnesium and potassium levels were low.  Apparently this can sometimes cause atrial flutter.  I’m on a pretty strong diuertic and I tend to sweat a lot when I exercise, so it’s certainly not outside the realm of possibility that I could be losing quite a lot of minerals.  We upped my dosage of magnesium and potassium, and the doctor recommended that I get a sports drink for when I exercise.  That, of course, is a new problem.

Exercise is one of the things that depleted my levels.  Unfortunately for me, I’m not one of those women who gets “dewy” when I work out.  I sweat like a horse.  It isn’t uncommon for me to soak the neck of my t-shirt with sweat.  Of course some of that is probably attributable to the diuretic, but still, I lose a lot of fluid and a lot of minerals.  Since I know that, I’m now a little concerned about exercising hard.

If I think about it logically, I know that I’ve increased my dosages of the minerals in question and that should help.  I also know that the benefits of exercise far outweigh the risks to my heart.  Even if I do go in to atrial flutter or Afib itself, it’s not life threatening, it’s just uncomfortable and a nuisance.   Still, I’m a bit nervous.   I know it’s not logical, but the concern is still there.

Tonight I put in a DVD and exercised for the first time since Sunday.  It wasn’t one of my toughest full cardio tapes, but I worked up a sweat.  I took my meds almost directly afterward and I loaded up on the magnesium and potassium.  So far, I feel o.k.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that things stay that way.

If I had to make a guess, I’d say that most people don’t think much about their heartbeat. It’s like breathing, you don’t have to think about each breath you take, it happens automatically. For most people, their heart beating is probably the same thing. Other than wondering if the rate has increased enough when they exercise, I’d guess the average person doesn’t pay any mind to what their heart does. It is simply there, beating regularly, day after day after day.

I used to be that way, even though I’d been born with a heart defect and had surgeries to correct problems. The way it used to go was pretty simple. I’d have a problem, I’d have the surgery and life would go on. I won’t say the surgeries were fun, they weren’t, but I always assumed that the surgery would fix the problem and I’d go back to being as healthy as I was before.

Then, afib showed up. So far no one can tell me why it happened. No one can tell me when it will happen. No one can tell me if it will happen again. I had an episode in March and went on some medication. Things were going fine for three months and then I had another episode in June. They tried some new medication and so far things have been fine. Most of the time I think positively and believe things will stay that way. Most of the time.

Still, I wear a divot in my left wrist because I take my pulse so frequently. I’ve put the blood pressure/heart monitor away because I was using it so often when it was out in plain sight. I worry every time I have a twinge or feel a little light headed or feel like something is off a bit which means I worry all the time. If I can feel my heart beating strongly, I worry. If I can’t feel my heart beating strongly, I worry. Obviously, I worry most of the time.

I’m working very hard toward getting back to believing I’m healthy and taking the strong, steady beat of my heart for granted. I’m proud to say that I’m in that frame of mind more often lately. I’m sad to say that the rest of the time I’m a nervous, stressed wreck. I hope that, as the months go on with no further incidents, I’ll go back to being more relaxed about this whole issue. Except, in a weird way, I don’t want to be more relaxed. Being attuned to my heartbeat has encouraged me to get healthier, to think more about what I eat, and to exercise more.

If being more aware brings me all those benefits, spending a little time monitoring my heartbeat is a small price to pay.

Most of the time my body tolerates the meds I take to manage my afib. That’s a good thing because I probably be taking these medications, or something similar, for the rest of my life. Given that fact, I’ve worked to alleviate what side effects I can and I’ve learned to live with the rest. They’re just a fact of my life.

Most of the time the side effects are pretty minimal. I have a slight blurring in my vision occasionally. I get light headed from time to time. I have a certain level of fatigue that is a constant companion no matter how much I sleep. Given that these medications help control my heartbeat and keep me living my daily life, I figure these side effects aren’t really that high a price to pay. Most of the time I’m right about that.

Every once in a while, however, my body goes into rebellion. It’s usually when I’ve pushed myself a little harder than I should have for too many days in a row. When that happens, my body decides it will make me slow down and rest and the fatigue gets overwhelming. Forget about exercising, I don’t even want to move from my seat on the sofa. It’s all I can do to keep my eyes open. The thought of a nap is almost irresistible.

Today happens to be one of those days. Fortunately, I’ve finally learned to roll with things, and I’ve come to recognize that these days are my body’s way of getting me to take a time out. I tend to push myself, largely because I’m afraid if I don’t I will slip back into old unhealthy ways. I guess I’ve finally come to realize that taking a time out isn’t unhealthy, it gives my body time to refuel and regenerate, which can only be good for me in the long run. I guess, for today, I just need to relax and let my body run the show.

This morning I had an EKG which showed my heart is, with the help of medication, maintaining a perfect sinus rhythm.  I’d been waiting for the EKG before attempting exercise again, mostly because I wanted to give my heart a few days to settle into the new rhythm.  Given that everything looked find, I decided I’d give exercising a try tonight.

Having afib, particularly when we don’t know exactly what causes it, can be a bit nerve wracking.  Every time you try something new there is the worry that it will send your heart back into an irregular rhythm.  Even if that something is, like exercise, something you’ve been doing almost every day for the last few months, there’s still that concern.  What if it’s too much stress?  What if your heart speeds up and can’t slow down again?  What if?

Still, I know I need to lose weight and I can’t do that if I don’t exercise, that’s just a fact of life.  I’m also smart enough to know I shouldn’t start off with my hardest aerobics tape, so I started off a little easy.  I’ve lost some ground physically, seeing as how I spent the last week plus mostly sitting on my behind, but I did all right.  My heart rate also snapped back to normal, so overall I’d say the experiment was a success.

I will say this, one thing that afib has taught me is the joy of movement.  Being confined to a bed, or being unable to breathe well limits your world.  Exercise makes me feel healthy and powerful, two things I need to feel if I’m going to successfully manage and conquer this problem. 

So, today I worked up a sweat and conquered a fear all in one 40 minute exercise session.  I’d say that’s a pretty good first day.

There was something wrong with me.  I was in afib.  About 7:30 last night I took my blood pressure and the heart monitor was blinking off the hook.  My heart was beating at 153 beats per minute.  For those who may not know, that isn’t good.

Knowing that, I packed a small bag and took myself of to the Emergency Room.  Sure enough I was in afib and they eventually admitted me.  I spent a fun filled night giving blood and being woken for no good reason.  This morning they cardioverted me and now we’re back to square one.

We’ll tinker with the meds.  I’ve been told to keep on the path I’ve been following when it comes to diet and exercise.  No one can, however, tell me what triggers the afib, or when and how it can be stopped.  You can imagine how happy I am about all of that.

I want to be healthy.  That’s become one of the main goals in my life.  I’m just not sure that, even if I do everything right, that’s a goal I can achieve.  I feel like my body keeps trying to get in the way. 

Anyway, I’m home.  This episode is over.  It may, God willing, be the last one.  I guess all I can do is try to do the things I know are good for my body and hope.

I feel weird today.  I think I’ve picked up a 24 hour bug or something.  I ate lunch a bit ago and that made me feel better.  Still, I’m concerned, as I always am now.  Since my hospitalization in March anything that feels a bit off scares me.  I suppose that’s not really a surprise.

The central fact that gives me problems is this:  I didn’t know I was in afib.  I knew I felt bad.  I knew something was probably wrong.  I could not, however, tell that my heart wasn’t beating properly.  Every doctor I’ve told that expresses surprise that I didn’t know, but I really didn’t.  My heart has always had a funny beating pattern.  Over the years, I guess I’ve just learned not to notice it.

That isn’t to say that I’m not without tools to tell if something is wrong.  If my weight goes up by several pounds quickly, that’s a reliable sign.  This morning I was actually down two pounds.   If my blood pressure and heart rate monitor shows high blood pressure or a really fast heart rate, that’s a reliable sign.  Both times I’ve taken my pressure today it’s been dead nuts normal and the heart rate has been perfect.   So, odds are I’ve simply picked up a flu virus that is making me fell a little under the weather and otherwise I’m perfectly fine.  Tomorrow I’ll most likely wake up an feel entirely normal. 

If there’s anything I hate about all this it is the uncertainty.  I wish there was an entirely reliable sign that would tell me without a doubt that things were o.k. or something was wrong.  There isn’t though, and I have to walk the line between ignoring signals of what could be a problem and running to the Emergency Room every time I feel the least bit off.  Leaving aside everything else, I don’t have the money to do that. 

I suppose this is perhaps another lesson in trust for me.  I have to trust that, if I do the right things, I’ll stay healthy. 

My problem is I’ve always had a rough time with trust.

I saw my cardiologist on Monday and everything looks good.  I have a ways to go before we’re sure I’m completely out of the woods, but the news was positive.  My echo looks good.  There was no evidence of afib on my heart monitor.  My blood pressure is good.  I’m losing weight.  All in all, everything points to relatively good news.

As I was sitting talking to my cardiologist he said one thing that shook me a bit.  It was a simple phrase “We don’t know what caused it”.  He was referring to my afib, and basically telling me that they don’t really know why it happened.  For some reason, I found that knowledge somewhat alarming.  I guess the superstitious part of me thinks if I take the meds and eat the right foods and exercise and lose weight I won’t have to deal with this problem again.  That becomes a little less likely when I realize we don’t have any idea if what I was doing before had any bearing on the problem at all.

For me, this brings up two problems.  One is that I start to worry.  Every twinge, every cough, every moment of breathlessness becomes a potential harbinger of afib.  Even though my weight is still going down, my blood pressures and heart rate are generally good and I feel fine, there’s still a small part of me that is always monitoring and worrying.  It’s maddening and stressful at the same time. 

The other problem is that I need my belief that doing the right things, losing weight and eating right and exercising will help keep afib at bay.  If it makes no difference what I do, than why do the right things?  If I’m going to have afib issues anyway, why not eat the foods I most enjoy and only sweat when I want to?  Being healthier is its own reward, but it’s only a reward if you get healthier.  If you don’t, it is simply a lot of work for nothing.

Mostly, right now I take it day by day and sometimes hour by hour.  I probably worry and stress myself out more than I should, but I’m working on that.  I keep telling myself that I’m doing the right things and that it will all work out.  I’m also working very hard on believing that to be true.

I have to confess that for many years I always saw the negative in every situation.  If there was a dark way to look at an issue, I was there,  gloom and doom at the ready.  I’m not really sure how or why I started to change the way in which I dealt with things, but over time I started to realize that gloom and doom was not only off putting to the people around me, it didn’t do me any good either.  Seeing only the negative only led me further into the dark, and made me feel hopeless.  Seeing the positive motivated me to do something about whatever problem lay before me.

When it comes to a-fib, the heart of the matter is this:  I have a condition that won’t go away.  It increases my risk for certain health problems I don’t want to have.  It could constrain my life in ways that I haven’t even considered.  It could, if I let it, force me into a hole so dark and deep that I would never come out.  I’m only 39.  I shouldn’t have to deal with this yet.  After all the things I’ve overcome in my life, it feels a bit unfair that I have to overcome yet another thing.

The fact is, the world doesn’t operate based on fair and unfair.  Whatever is in your life is what you have to face and to solve.  In my case, it is a-fib.  I’m not going to be disingenuous and say it doesn’t scare me.  I realize I dodged an enormous bullet during this last episode.  I also realize I may not be so lucky again.   I don’t, however, choose to dwell on the horrible things that could happen.  I choose to dwell on the positive things that are happening.

I am home.  Cardioversion worked first time out of the box for me. The medications I’m on seem to be controlling the problem.  I am able to exercise and get around with a minimum of fatigue.  I’m relatively young, I’m motivated, and I’m determined to have the best life I can.  I believe that is possible.   

A lot of what I’ve been reading about a-fib is rather gloomy.  I understand that I probably have a pretty mild case.  I know there are people who are experiencing problems I can’t even grasp at this point.  Knowing all those things, however, I also know this, even when everyone tells you you’re down, if you believe you can get back up, you’re much closer to being able to do so.  I choose to believe I’ll stay healthy.  I choose to believe I can help others become healthier.  I choose to believe that my heart may be battered, but it is still brave, and still strong.  

That, in the end, is really the heart of the matter.