As of this morning, I have lost 23 pounds.  A week ago Sunday I weighed 23 pounds more than I do now.  I’m finally approaching the weight I was when all this heart stuff started and, while that weight is still more than it should be, it is much less and much better than it was.  So, I should be happy and in one sense I am.   Stepping on the scale every morning and seeing a loss of three or four pounds is great.  The problem is that I know such effortless weight loss won’t continue forever.

The challenge that I face now is losing weight when I have to work at it.  I’m already changing my eating habits and I know that will help.  I’m paying much more attention to how things are prepared and to fat and sodium content.  I’m eating a lot more vegetables.  I’m eating smaller meals and having healthy snacks.  I’m doing a lot of the things I know I need to do to continue to lose weight once the water weight has finally gone. 

I’m also, gradually, starting to exercise again.  I’m on restrictions with that, and probably will be until I do a stress test at the end of April.  I was sanctioned for walking and light exercise so I do what I can when I can.  I’m also careful to stop if I feel that my heart is getting too stressed.  So far, it seems to be working.  It feels good to move my body, and I’ve not experienced any problems.  So I plan to continue that program until I see the cardiologist later in April. 

I think my biggest fear right now is that I’ll lose my motivation.  I know I now have a condition I have to manage.  I know I’m doing a lot of things right.  I also know that losing weight is tied up with a lot of other issues that I haven’t even begun to examine yet, and that I have a lot of emotional as well as physical work to do.  As long as my heart stays strong, the physical work doesn’t worry me.  The emotional work, on the other hand, gives me some concern.

I guess there comes a time when you have to admit that you can’t do everything alone.  As much as I hate to admit that, I think this may be one of those times for me.  Dealing with the emotional aspects of a-fib and weight loss and everything that is tied in with that may take the services of a professional.  My hope is that I now undertand my own worth well enough that I’ll take the steps necessary to get the help I need.

My fear is that I won’t.  

I’ve always been a meat and potatoes sort of girl.  If you could put cheese, gravy or butter on something I was all for it.  I knew a lot of that sort of thing was bad for me, but I deluded myself into thinking that not eating fast food or avoiding caffeine would be enough to make up for the loaded baked potato I was eating at dinner.   I now know, or perhaps should more properly say I’m now admitting, that eschewing some things does not a healthy diet make.

I’ve been struggling with my weight for most of my life.  When I started my first diet, the knowledge and the options that are available now were no where in sight.  I suffered through calorie counting and denying myself food and eating tasteless meals that I hated in the quest to lose one more pound.  There were foods that were forbidden which were, of course, all the foods I craved.  I was made to feel horrible if I gained a pound, and eventually came to think that my worth rested on what the scale said.

Now, as I’ve been writing about for the last few days, I’m facing a health crisis which can be influenced by my diet.  Too much sodium will cause me to retain fluid which will in turn cause my heart to work harder.  That is, of course, not good.  It also seems that a lot of the things that I really enjoy eating and high in sodium and therefore not good for me.  If I want to be healthy, I have to limit those foods.  If I want to be happy, I have to find foods I like to eat.  I also have to change the way I think about food.

I’ve always thought about food in terms of deprivation or fulfillment.  Not being allowed to eat what I wanted was being deprived.  Having the food I enjoyed whenever I wanted was fulfillment.  I never thought that I could find recipes that were better for me that could still fulfill my need to enjoy my food.  I also never thought I could learn to enjoy a different way of eating.  I’m rapidly learning that I can eat in a healthy way and enjoy what I eat.  It may take a little more work and a little more research, but it can be done.

Now I look at meals as an adventure.  I’m trying new recipes and experiencing new tastes.  I also know that I’m doing the very best I can for my body, and that I’m doing what I’m doing because I value myself and want to treat myself in the best possible way.  Being overweight and eating foods that I knew were not nutritious has always been a way for me to express how little I liked myself and my body.  Now, having been through some experiences during which my body could have really let me down, I understand what a miraculous piece of work my body is, malfunctioning parts and all.  Given that I have this miraculous body, I should take care of it, which is what I am now working to do.

Food is just a way to provide fuel for our bodies to work.  It stands to reason that the better fuel we feed ourselves, the better our bodies will work.  Once you can view food in that light, instead of as a reward and a pick me up or a way to keep from feeling your feelings, you realize that food is a tool, and only a tool.  

Strangely enough, that realization may be the thing that sets you free.

I have to confess that for many years I always saw the negative in every situation.  If there was a dark way to look at an issue, I was there,  gloom and doom at the ready.  I’m not really sure how or why I started to change the way in which I dealt with things, but over time I started to realize that gloom and doom was not only off putting to the people around me, it didn’t do me any good either.  Seeing only the negative only led me further into the dark, and made me feel hopeless.  Seeing the positive motivated me to do something about whatever problem lay before me.

When it comes to a-fib, the heart of the matter is this:  I have a condition that won’t go away.  It increases my risk for certain health problems I don’t want to have.  It could constrain my life in ways that I haven’t even considered.  It could, if I let it, force me into a hole so dark and deep that I would never come out.  I’m only 39.  I shouldn’t have to deal with this yet.  After all the things I’ve overcome in my life, it feels a bit unfair that I have to overcome yet another thing.

The fact is, the world doesn’t operate based on fair and unfair.  Whatever is in your life is what you have to face and to solve.  In my case, it is a-fib.  I’m not going to be disingenuous and say it doesn’t scare me.  I realize I dodged an enormous bullet during this last episode.  I also realize I may not be so lucky again.   I don’t, however, choose to dwell on the horrible things that could happen.  I choose to dwell on the positive things that are happening.

I am home.  Cardioversion worked first time out of the box for me. The medications I’m on seem to be controlling the problem.  I am able to exercise and get around with a minimum of fatigue.  I’m relatively young, I’m motivated, and I’m determined to have the best life I can.  I believe that is possible.   

A lot of what I’ve been reading about a-fib is rather gloomy.  I understand that I probably have a pretty mild case.  I know there are people who are experiencing problems I can’t even grasp at this point.  Knowing all those things, however, I also know this, even when everyone tells you you’re down, if you believe you can get back up, you’re much closer to being able to do so.  I choose to believe I’ll stay healthy.  I choose to believe I can help others become healthier.  I choose to believe that my heart may be battered, but it is still brave, and still strong.  

That, in the end, is really the heart of the matter.

So, it’s been almost two months since I last posted here.  A lot has happened.  I spent last week in the hospital with an irregular heartbeat.  Apparently I’d been walking around like that for a while.  I knew I’d been feeling bad, but not why, and I’m one of those people who don’t want to be thought of as a hypochondriac, so I toughed it out. As it turned out, that was a mistake.  Luckily, I was able to live and learn.

So, as I eventually found out, I have atrial fibrillation.  Basically what that means is that my heart has a sort of epilepsy at times.  A normal heart gets instructions on how to beat from something called the sinus node.  Electrical impulses from the node tell the heart to pump blood.  My heart was getting impulses from all over the place and, as a result, didn’t know how to beat properly.  So, instead of pumping blood, the upper chambers of my heart just trembled.  Let’s just say, that’s not a good thing.

The good news is that the condition has been fixed and my heart is beating normally.  They have put me on drugs, I am adjusting my diet and will be stepping up my exercise program.  All these things should help.  The less good news is that this condition cannot be totally fixed.  My heart was defective from birth.  Two surgeries have corrected problems, but haven’t made things better.  My atrial fibrillation is now, for better or worse, a condition I have to manage.

What this means for this blog is that I will have a bit more to discuss.  I’ll still talk about weight loss and weight issues, since that is a primary part of getting healthier.  I will also, however, talk about what it feels like to have this condition, what scares me, and what I plan to do to live as long and healthy a life as possible.  I have to say, I’ve been looking around for information and forums and such, and a lot of what I’ve seen is less than positive.  I believe in being positive, not in a deny the bad sort of way, but in a way that allows me to see the best I can in every situation.  That’s what I’m going to try to do here.

If you’re coming here to read about or discuss weight loss, welcome.  If you’ve found this blog because you have heart issues, welcome as well.  Hopefully we can get some good discussions going.