I haven’t been writing much on this blog lately and I think I’ve figured out why.  Losing weight hasn’t been what I expected it would be.

I’m now about 40 pounds lighter than I was when I started on this journey.  My clothes are all loose and some are practically falling off me.  I can clearly see the changes in my body and I can feel the changes in my strength and stamina.  I’m succeeding at something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time.  The only problem is that it doesn’t feel like I thought it would.

I guess, like most people who are fat, I had a dream of what losing weight and being thinner would be like.  I thought I’d get more confident.  I assumed everyone would notice and praise me for my achievement.  I thought my desire to eat and my cravings for foods I knew were not good for me would diminish.  I thought that I would learn to love sweating and exercise.  I fantasized that life would be better in every way.

I have to admit, in some ways it is better.  I haven’t learned to love exercise, but I’ve learned to appreciate it.  A few people have noticed my weight loss and complimented me on it.  I have gained a bit more confidence.  I’ve certainly gained more strength and endurance.  So there are improvements.

Still, despite the improvements, losing weight has not been the life changing event that I thought it would be.  I still have the same problems.  I still face the same challenges.  I’m still me, I’m just wearing a smaller size now.

I guess that’s the danger of dreaming for years about doing something.  When you finally accomplish your goal, or at least get closer to accomplishing it, you may find that what you dreamed is not the reality.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about losing weight and I plan to continue to lose.

I just thought it would be more of an event than this.

One of the other blogs for which I write, A Frugal Housewife, has instituted something kind of neat.  One of my fellow writers has started Kick the Habit Mondays.  Every Monday we’ll write about a habit we’re trying to break.  All the blogs link together in a carnival and we can all support and cheer each other on.  You can learn more about how it all works over at A Frugal Housewife.

One of the habits that I’ve wanted to break for a long time is emotional eating.  I used food as my comforter and as my feeling smotherer for a lot of years.  If I felt sad I ate.  If I felt angry I ate.  If I felt like celebrating, I l made something especially yummy and ate all of it.  I didn’t always get the support I needed when I was growing up, so I learned to count on food instead of people.

Now that I’m older, and I’m learning to build healthier relationships, I’d like to put food into it’s proper place.  I want to turn to a person, not cheesecake when I’m feeling sad.  I want to talk about my anger with the person who made me mad, not smother it with a plate of nachos.  I want my celebrations to involve a room full of friends, not a bowl full of popcorn.

So, this Monday, I’m committing to changing my relationship with food.  I won’t be using it as a crutch or as a way to avoid how I feel.  I’ll be using food for what it is, a fuel that keeps my body going and gives me energy.

So that’s the habit I’m going to kick.  If you have a habit you’d like to kick, come and join the group.

I was talking with a friend last night and I mentioned that one of the things I wanted to write about for this blog was about how it feels to be the fat girl in the room.  That soul stealing moment when you walk into a room and the eyes of every guy in the place slide past you to see who might be coming in behind you.   Attending a party with the knowledge that the only guy talking to you tonight will probably be the bartender and that will only be to ask what you want to drink.  Developing crush after crush on guys who settle for thin girls who treat them like dirt.  Wondering if beauty is truly the only thing that matters, and hoping that you’re wrong about that.

I was going on about how horrible it is to be the fat girl in the room when my friend offered me a view from the other perspective.  She was always the woman that guys admired.  She won’t admit to being the woman every guy wanted, but she has garnered her share of admiring glances and knowing grins.  It sounds to me like great fun.  For her, though, it’s embarrassing.  She really doesn’t want the attention.

I think, when you’re the fat girl, you’re convinced that if you could just be a size six all your troubles would melt away.  You imagine that being noticed by everyone would be far better than being ignored by the same group.  You assume that everyone who notices you would be nice and respectful and someone that you would want to notice you.  After all, it’s got to be better being the belle of the ball than it is being the wallflower, right?

It just goes to show that everyone has different ideas about what an ideal experience would and should be.  To tell the truth, part of me likes being relatively invisible.  I’m not sure how I would react were I the center of attention solely as a result of my appearance.   I may greatly enjoy it.  I may find it very uncomfortable.

Mostly, right now, I’m just hoping I get a chance to find out.