Eating has always been my reward.  When I do something well or want to celebrate something I think “let’s go to dinner” or “I deserve a cupcake”.  Food has always been about more than just sustenance to me.  I eat when I’m sad and I eat when I’m angry and I eat when I’m happy and want to celebrate.  There were times in my life when food was the only support I was getting.  Maybe the people in my life weren’t there for  me, but that chocolate cupcake could give me a lift and make a moment special.

I’ve been able to retrain my thoughts about food in a lot of ways, but I’m finding the tie between food and emotion hardest to break.  If we’ve had a hard week at the office, I’ll bring bagels.  If something cool happens I think we should order pizza.  Food has always been a reliable high for me and, other than making me fat because I ate way too much of the wrong sorts of things, it has never let me down.  A chocolate cupcake or a slice of pizza or a bag of chips with dip has always been reliably fulfilling, even when nothing else was.   I suppose, when I think about it, that’s where the problem lies.

My life experience has taught me, rightly or wrongly, that it’s best not to rely to heavily on other people for support.  I realize part of the reason I think that way is that, for many years, I was looking in the wrong places and to the wrong people for the support and affirmation I needed.   As I started to like myself better, I started to make better choice about the people I let into my life, and the need for food as a support should have become less.  I guess it’s hard to give up old habits though, because I still seem to turn to food first.  I’m not sure whether it’s fear or stubbornness or habit, but I’ll have a cupcake before I’ll call a friend.  That certainly isn’t helping me reach my weight loss goals.

One of the things I know about myself is that I often try to complicate things that should be quite simple, and I think this may be one of those times.  Maybe breaking the cycle of emotional eating is as simple as thinking before I eat.  If I take an extra minute to think about why I’m having that ice cream, or suggesting a dinner, maybe I’ll realize that something else would work equally well.  After all, part of losing weight is being aware of what we put into our mouths.  Maybe I need to be aware of why I’m eating as well.

I would probably rather tell someone intimate details of my sex life rather than discuss how much I weigh.  I’ll talk about almost anything before I’ll talk about my weight.  I never, ever, reveal the exact number.  That’s partly because I’m ashamed of the number and partly because I think other people will think less of me if they know.  I know that’s probably a bit over dramatic, but for a long time my self worth and self image were tied very tightly to my weight. Thin, and a low number,  made me desirable and a good person.  Fat, and a high number, made me just the opposite.

I am working very hard to shake a lot of the habits and attitudes that it has taken me 40 years to build.  I’ve been successful, at least in part, with most of them.  I like myself better than I ever have.  My body image is more positive than it’s ever been.  I feel more confident in myself, and I’m more confident of my worth as a person.  I’m learning that my body is capable of doing things, bending, stretching, exercising, that I would have bet it could never do.  I’ve made positive strides in a lot of areas.  Except when it comes to that number.

Intellectually I know that it’s just a number.  What I weigh has nothing to do with what kind of person I am.  What I weigh doesn’t effect how I perform my job or write this blog or go through my daily activities.  A number on the scale doesn’t make me any less lovable or any less intelligent.  I know this in my brain.  I just can’t feel it in my gut.

I do want to try to get over this issue.  My weight is only one small part of me as a person, and a number on a scale shouldn’t hold this much power over me.  So I think it’s time to be brave, as much as it scares me to do it.

I’m going to start posting my weight here.  For right now, I’ll post it once a week at the bottom of a post.   After a while, as I get more comfortable, I’ll probably post a running graph on the sidebar.  As much as this frightens me, I think the only way to stop giving this number as much power as it seems to have is to put the number out there and let the chips fall where they may. So here goes:

Created by MyFitnessPal – Free Calorie Counter

I like to think I’m a dancer.  I’m not, in fact I’m not endowed with much in the way of gracefulness.  For that reason I’m not really attracted to exercise DVD’s that want me to get down and get funky.  I have trouble following the moves and I usually end up frustrated and not inclined to use that particular DVD.  I’m just not destined to boogie oogie oogie the weight off.

The series of videos from The Studio with Ellen Barrett is different.  It is centered partially around dance discipline, but the discipline is ballet, not club dancing.  The movements are graceful and elegant. Fat Burning Fusion
is a good workout, but a graceful one.  You’re still sweating and sore at the end of the workout, but you’re also relaxed and stretched.

I’ve been a fan of Ellen Barret since I tried the Crunch – Burn & Firm Pilates DVD. She has a great style. Ellen explains things clearly and concisely and has a nice, relaxing way of leading. She pushes, but not too hard, and she’s very good about explaining how you should do the exercise. She is a stickler for form, but she demonstrates what the form should be very capably. Her instructions are easy to follow.

This isn’t the DVD for people who want to push themselves until they drop.  It’s a quiet, contemplative exercise program.  If you’re looking for a Tae Bo, Boot Camp sort of thing, this isn’t the DVD for you.  There is a lot of stretching and twisting and bending, so people with back problems might want to use a little caution.

If you’re looking to build muscle without building bulk and to get a great work out that also energizes and soothes you, this DVD is for you.  I do it at least once a week if not more, and I highly recommend it.

One of the great paradoxes that I’ve discovered since I’ve started exercising on a regular basis is this:  my stamina varies widely from day to day.  At first I thought it had to do with how motivated I was about exercising on any given day, and to some extent it does.  If I don’t really feel like exercising I have to push myself harder to go the distance.  I can, however, power through that feeling and I usually end up feeling much more positive and upbeat when I’m finished exercising.  Somehow it doesn’t seem to be about motivation.

Of course being hungry and/or tired can also effect how much and how hard I exercise.  I tend to exercise after I get home from work and before dinner, mostly because I’m just too lazy and like my sleep too much to get up in the morning and exercise.  Some days, if I time my meals and snacks properly, I’m full of energy when I get home and I breeze through my workout.  Other days, it’s exactly the opposite.  I arrive home tired and shaky and I don’t make it nearly as far through whatever my planned workout is for the day.

It’s funny, because I always assumed that getting fitter would be a steady series of plateaus.  Each day I’d be able to go a little further than the day before and in this way I’d make incremental progress toward my goals.  In real life, or at least in my life, that’s not how it has happened.  My progress comes in fits and starts.  One day I get through a tape with ease and feel that I really accomplished something.  The next day I make it about halfway and quit.

I’m not sure if it’s about motivation, if it’s about blood sugar or getting hit harder by my meds, or if there’s some X factor that I just haven’t figured out yet, but I’d like to come up with some sort of answer.  Is this type of back and forth progress normal?  Are there things I can do to avoid it? Should I just be glad I’m getting thinner and fitter and not worry if my progress isn’t always a straight line forward.  I’d love some input on this.

Right now I’m just happy that a dedicated exercisephobe like me is even working up a sweat on a regular basis.  That’s an accomplishment and I don’t discount it.  Regardless, I’d still like to make steady progress forward.  I am doing this for my health, but I’m also doing it for a sense of accomplishment.  Being able to go a bit further today than I could yesterday gives me that sense of accomplishment.  I’d just like to be able to do it on a consistent basis.

You may (all three of you who read this) have noticed that this blog has been silent for a while.  Losing weight and changing patterns that have been set for years is never an easy thing.  Add to that the fact that I’ve always felt that instant gratification takes too long,  and it shouldn’t be any wonder that I backslid a little.  These things do happen.  I’ve put a few pounds back on, and it also took a while to get comfortable with exercise again after my little episode on Easter Sunday.

Working to lose weight is an interesting thing.  I think we all hope that it will eventually become something we can do on autopilot but, for me at least, that doesn’t seem to be the case.  I need to keep my goals in front of my eyes at all times, and I need to figure out a way to do that without becoming obsessed.  I know myself, and I know how easily my emotions and worth as a person can hang on whether the scale went up or down.  I want to be healthy, both mentally and physcially, and it may take some trial and error before I figure out how to make that happen.  We’re all works in progress.  I just need to figure out how to progress in the right direction.

One thing I’m trying is a new website that I’ve found.  It’s called My Fitness Pal and it helps you track your food intake and exercise.  Almost all weight loss experts recommend tracking your food intake if you want to lose weight, but it’s something I’ve always resisted.  It just seemed too difficult.  Luckily, this web site makes the whole thing easy and stress free.  It also hasn’t led, at least so far, into an obsession.  I’m more aware of what I eat, but in a healthy way.

I’ve been trying to lose weight, with varying degrees of success, for over 25 years now.  While I know my body image and self image are better than they’ve ever been, my weight loss skills are still a bit underdeveloped.  I need to develop a new skill set and to do that I need some advice.   Those of you who have lost weight or are working to lose weight, what has helped you the most?  For those of you who’ve never had a weight problem, what is your number one tip for keeping the weight off.  I’ll take all the help I can get, so please leave any advice you may have in the comments.