Eating has always been my reward.  When I do something well or want to celebrate something I think “let’s go to dinner” or “I deserve a cupcake”.  Food has always been about more than just sustenance to me.  I eat when I’m sad and I eat when I’m angry and I eat when I’m happy and want to celebrate.  There were times in my life when food was the only support I was getting.  Maybe the people in my life weren’t there for  me, but that chocolate cupcake could give me a lift and make a moment special.

I’ve been able to retrain my thoughts about food in a lot of ways, but I’m finding the tie between food and emotion hardest to break.  If we’ve had a hard week at the office, I’ll bring bagels.  If something cool happens I think we should order pizza.  Food has always been a reliable high for me and, other than making me fat because I ate way too much of the wrong sorts of things, it has never let me down.  A chocolate cupcake or a slice of pizza or a bag of chips with dip has always been reliably fulfilling, even when nothing else was.   I suppose, when I think about it, that’s where the problem lies.

My life experience has taught me, rightly or wrongly, that it’s best not to rely to heavily on other people for support.  I realize part of the reason I think that way is that, for many years, I was looking in the wrong places and to the wrong people for the support and affirmation I needed.   As I started to like myself better, I started to make better choice about the people I let into my life, and the need for food as a support should have become less.  I guess it’s hard to give up old habits though, because I still seem to turn to food first.  I’m not sure whether it’s fear or stubbornness or habit, but I’ll have a cupcake before I’ll call a friend.  That certainly isn’t helping me reach my weight loss goals.

One of the things I know about myself is that I often try to complicate things that should be quite simple, and I think this may be one of those times.  Maybe breaking the cycle of emotional eating is as simple as thinking before I eat.  If I take an extra minute to think about why I’m having that ice cream, or suggesting a dinner, maybe I’ll realize that something else would work equally well.  After all, part of losing weight is being aware of what we put into our mouths.  Maybe I need to be aware of why I’m eating as well.