I would probably rather tell someone intimate details of my sex life rather than discuss how much I weigh.  I’ll talk about almost anything before I’ll talk about my weight.  I never, ever, reveal the exact number.  That’s partly because I’m ashamed of the number and partly because I think other people will think less of me if they know.  I know that’s probably a bit over dramatic, but for a long time my self worth and self image were tied very tightly to my weight. Thin, and a low number,  made me desirable and a good person.  Fat, and a high number, made me just the opposite.

I am working very hard to shake a lot of the habits and attitudes that it has taken me 40 years to build.  I’ve been successful, at least in part, with most of them.  I like myself better than I ever have.  My body image is more positive than it’s ever been.  I feel more confident in myself, and I’m more confident of my worth as a person.  I’m learning that my body is capable of doing things, bending, stretching, exercising, that I would have bet it could never do.  I’ve made positive strides in a lot of areas.  Except when it comes to that number.

Intellectually I know that it’s just a number.  What I weigh has nothing to do with what kind of person I am.  What I weigh doesn’t effect how I perform my job or write this blog or go through my daily activities.  A number on the scale doesn’t make me any less lovable or any less intelligent.  I know this in my brain.  I just can’t feel it in my gut.

I do want to try to get over this issue.  My weight is only one small part of me as a person, and a number on a scale shouldn’t hold this much power over me.  So I think it’s time to be brave, as much as it scares me to do it.

I’m going to start posting my weight here.  For right now, I’ll post it once a week at the bottom of a post.   After a while, as I get more comfortable, I’ll probably post a running graph on the sidebar.  As much as this frightens me, I think the only way to stop giving this number as much power as it seems to have is to put the number out there and let the chips fall where they may. So here goes:

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